Can Leaders be Assertive and Compassionate at the Same Time?

This week, we are tackling two subjects in a single blog post: 1) how to be assertive and compassionate as a leader, and 2) making a career transition.

It’s unfortunate that, when most people think of someone being assertive, they imagine them to be aggressive and argumentative. But, for heart-centered leaders, this is not at all true. Because such leaders are inherently empathetic, they can also be assertive and compassionate at the same time.

In fact, for me, the second superpower of compassionate and heart-centered leaders is assertiveness. I’ve explained before that the first is empathy; however, empathy can be a double-edged sword.

That is, your ability to connect with the needs of others and see the world from another person’s perspective helps you create amazing relationships with your team. But, if empathy is not balanced with assertiveness, you might fall into the trap of avoiding challenging conversations, struggling to move your message across your organization, and missing out on executive presence.

Demystifying What it Means to Be Assertive

To demystify assertiveness, I divide assertiveness training into three parts: your beliefs about yourself and others; emotions that come up for you when you practice assertiveness, and your actual behavior. In other words, your thoughts, emotions, and actions. Today I’m giving you one step for your belief system, one for your emotions, and one for your behavior.

1. Assertive mindset

Developing an assertive mindset is not about being aggressive. Nor is it about being passive. And finally, it’s not about being passive/aggressive, which is aggressiveness expressed in an indirect form like being negative behind someone’s back, giving someone the silent treatment, being sarcastic, or using other forms of ineffective communication.

Either of these traits will make it difficult to build strong relationships, creating everything from distrust and anger to confusion and resentment. These are not the characteristics anyone wants to see in a leader when building a team.

Instead, you’ll want to develop a balanced relationship pattern where you’ll receive support and appreciation rather than over giving at the expense of your mental and physical wellbeing. You’ll also notice that people around you become more capable and able to function better as you empower them to be responsible and accountable in the dynamic. This applies to both professional and personal relationships.

2. Harness the power of your emotions

As you begin paying closer attention to your needs and consider the possibility of expressing those needs in assertive communication, powerful emotions will rise to the surface: Shame, Guilt, Sadness, Anger. Let’s take a look at anger.

Though normal, experiencing anger can be unsettling and unpleasant. You must remember that anger is just an emotion; energy in motion and a transient experience that was meant to be short-lived if you allow yourself to experience it instead of avoiding it.

On a positive note, anger can be a great teacher. Once you get in touch with your anger, you can use it as a sign that something isn’t working for you in a relationship. This is when you reconnect with your needs, your values, express your point of view, or make an assertive request.

3. Assertive communication

The most essential component of the assertiveness formula is communication. Now, all you’ve got to do is put it into action! Otherwise, you’ll be thinking about alternative scenarios without doing anything about them. This ruminating contributes to both anxiety and resentment; worse, nothing will change. So, where do you start?

Begin with the least challenging situations and build to increasingly difficult conversations based on your small but consistent wins. Making requests – instead of demands – is a great starting point.

What is necessary is to focus on your end goal. Then, what would you like to be different? What would you like the outcome to be? Think about the request in advance and build toward it. Now, there’s no guarantee that the other person will cooperate. You can’t control other people’s behaviors. But if you don’t make a request, you miss your chance altogether.

For more details and insight on how to be assertive and compassionate as a leader, watch my latest video. You can also subscribe to my YouTube channel to receive a notification when new episodes are released.

How to Make a Career Transition (even when you are afraid to face uncertainty)

I’m sure it comes as no surprise that there are times when the thoughts in your head and the feelings in your heart conflict. Often, your logical head will tell you one thing while your emotional heart will resist and seek another choice. The question of when and how to make a career change is often the catalyst for just such an internal conflict. In my YouTube video this week, I offer a strategy to help you work through this head-heart conflict.

Strategy One: The difference between change and transition.

According to William Bridges, one of the founding fathers of transition theory, change is an external event or situation that takes place, often in response to external events, whether we desire it or not. Transition, in turn, is an inner psychological process that we go through to adapt to change. Change often starts with the desired outcome, while transition starts with ending things and leaving the old situation behind.

Transitions happen in three stages: endings, neutral zone, and new beginnings. It’s no coincidence that these are the same stages you and your team go through as you deal with change.

Strategy 2: Recognizing the win-lose patterns in your professional and personal lives

In my experience of working with heart-centered leaders from around the world, the most difficult part of the transition process is the ending phase, the process of letting go. It’s the hardest part because it means letting go of relationships and, sometimes, people. For heart-centered leaders, this is one of the toughest things to do.

Heart-centered leaders can stay in unhealthy relationships, both personal and professional, for years. When you disregard your needs in any type of relationship, resentment builds and you lose your natural ability to tune into your needs and wants. With time, you get confused about what you really want. Most of your thoughts and aspirations revolve around your team, organization, or another person’s needs. While flexibility and adaptability are essential in a relationship, so are balance and reciprocity.

Think about your relationships as a win-win balance. Pay attention to this dynamic. Are you losing most of the time? Don’t be complicit. You can make requests, watch the assertiveness and confidence videos that I released last week, or you can choose to leave the situation and move on.

Strategy 3: Reconnecting with your needs

It’s time to declutter your mind and rediscover your needs and wants. They have not mysteriously disappeared. The way to bring them back is to start paying attention and explore, with curiosity, what it is you really want in your life. Ask yourself, “If I had it my way, what would things look like?”

Your default setting is to ignore your needs and wants first because you may be uncomfortable exploring these questions. You might also question the idea of having it your way altogether.

Isn’t it selfish? Am I being self-centered? These thoughts come from years of conditioning where you’ve put other people’s needs and emotions over your own.

If you’re a compassionate leader, you have good, humanistic values and you’ll never be self-absorbed. Instead, you’ll start making assertive requests and getting the resources needed to make a positive difference in the world. You’ll feel empowered with more energy and flow to your day.

For more details and insight on how to make a career transition, watch my latest video. You can also subscribe to my YouTube channel to receive a notification when new episodes are released.

Then, if you have more questions, feel free to contact me for answers.