While it may not be much fun, receiving and accepting feedback is critical to self-improvement and is a key component of emotional intelligence in the workplace.

“Don’t take it personally” is a fairly common piece of advice, although it is rarely helpful. People with different types of personalities perceive work situations with different emotional dynamics. While some of us rely on thinking and can easily employ logical reasoning and use rationalization in difficult situations, others have a tendency to take things to heart and react emotionally. Interestingly, the former are usually the ones who like to give this type of advice, while the latter can never relate to it and may start building resentment in response to this type of “helpful” advice.

So, is developing a “thick skin” the answer to becoming a successful leader and moving forward in your career? Not quite. The secret is in finding balance.

People who are highly sensitive have many strengths that are crucial in the modern world of leadership. For example, when taking the emotional intelligence assessment, they tend to get high scores on such scales as empathy and relationship building, as well as emotional self-awareness. They have well-developed intuition (that should not be confused with impulsivity), have initial positive regard for others, are “nurturers”, and can be very empowering leaders, who have strong vision, humanistic values, and lead from their hearts.

Improving Emotional Resilience

At the same time, they can easily get stuck in toxic work environments and may develop the vicious cycles of difficult emotions, such as frustration and resentment. They are prone to overwork, which results in burn out, have difficulties in setting healthy boundaries in their relationships, and tend to lack assertive communication skills.

Keys to improving emotional resilience:

• Developing a flexible communication style that can be effective with different types of personalities
• Learning to be grounded in the presence of difficult emotions, such as anger, in oneself and others
• Putting their well-being as the first priority and learning to balance the period of work and restorative practices
• Learning to be comfortable with confrontation
• Building self-confidence

Above are the key areas that can help to make the shift from “taking things personally” to authentic leadership. This is a much better alternative than becoming emotionally numb or creating “escape scenarios.

NOTE: Speaking of “escape” scenarios – there is nothing wrong with changing your career or leaving your career altogether and moving to a tropical island or starting your own business. These are all great choices when they are made from the place of a thoughtful transition into new possibilities. The difficulties arise when these choices are made from the place of exhaustion and resentment. You cannot escape from yourself, and the same challenges will arise in these new environments.

Emotional Intelligence in Practice

Understanding your strengths and areas for growth is the first step in the process of transformation of your leadership style. There is a huge difference between taking things personally and taking them at face value. Receiving feedback is a process that can be challenging, especially if you have a tendency to “take things personally”.

Professionally given feedback is offered in a way that is meant to be positive; to help you become better at your job and is focused on your behavior and performance, not on your personality. The power of such feedback is in the possibility of choice – a new choice that you can make based on the information that you receive.

For highly sensitive people, receiving feedback can be emotionally challenging and they might have a tendency to avoid it, especially if they’ve had the experience of getting such feedback in an unprofessional way before. On the other hand, having clarity of “what is not OK”, being aware of your emotions, and having the ability to express them and stand for what you believe in are qualities of a mature leader and valuable team member.

If you have a tendency to “take things personally”, remember that your ability to receive feedback can be developed with time. Your ability to receive feedback is also connected to your ability to give feedback, including challenging feedback for the members of your team who under-perform. Notice if your tendency to avoid confrontation leads to the tendency of doing the work for others, which, in the long run, does not benefit the members of your team, as it does not promote growth.

Here are a few assumptions that might help you to overcome the dread of receiving feedback and stop avoiding it:

• Professional feedback is not about other’s opinions about you as a person – In the long run, investing yourself emotionally in the opinions of others (such as “like” or “dislike”) is a losing game. There will always be people who will like you and those who do not, regardless of what you do. The higher you rise, the more you will notice it. People form their opinions based on many factors, and most of these factors are unconscious – you cannot control that – and it is not your job.

Leadership is not about being liked by everyone or being a nice person. Opinions change as fast as New England weather; they are transitory and often superficial. Focus on who you are as a leader, on your vision and core values, while building strong relationships with your team at different levels. The more information you get from others about your performance and leadership – the more data you will have. Such information is based on facts, and includes your performance, your behavior in specific situation, how well do you cope with challenges, what value you provide for your organization, what are the areas for growth for you as a leader, how other people respond to your communication style, etc.

When you have this information, you have much better reality testing abilities and you can understand what needs to be changed, and what has nothing to do with you.

• Know your own value – When you know who you are, and respect yourself, you will be able to receive feedback in a constructive way. Having self-confidence, and knowing your self-worth is the foundation on which everything else is built: your achievements, your relationships, your ability to keep going when life and work gets tough. (High self-regard which is not balanced with self-awareness and openness to feedback results in arrogance and stagnation, so seeking this balance is the key).
• Don’t jump to conclusions – What to do when you are under attack of unprofessional or even unethical criticism or micro aggression? Most of the time, unsolicited criticism from others says a deal more about them than it does about you. To help manage your response to confrontation, know what it is that tends to “trip your trigger”, causing an emotional response, so you can prepare yourself if someone mentions them. Master emotional aikido – do not engage in aggressive response and learn to ground difficult energies, staying true to yourself without questioning yourself or going into self-doubt or catastrophizing cognitive and emotional patterns
• Learn to let things slide and let go – Try to use emotionally painful experiences as “teaching moments” and learn from them. Instead of holding on to pain and resentment, use such moments to become stronger and more resilient – then move on. Learn to let things slide and make more room for joy and happiness in your life.

Do you find yourself struggling to improve your use of emotional intelligence in the workplace? Would you like to find the help you need to improve your leadership skills? If so, let’s chat. Click here to schedule your FREE Discovery Call.