The experiences I’ve had with emotional intelligence leadership coaching have taught me many things, not least of which is that human responses to situations and relationships are rarely black and white. Being consistent in inconsistent and unpredictable emotional and behavioral responses is not a type of consistency you want to demonstrate as a leader, as it leads to creating psychologically unsafe environments.

While this may seem contradictory (and somewhat incoherent) at first, it becomes much clearer when one considers the effects of attachment styles, and how different styles may conflict, on individuals. For example, consider the consequences of someone with insecure anxious attachment style interacting with someone with an insecure avoidant attachment style, especially if the latter individual has more power and authority in the relationship.

In this case, the person with insecure avoidant dismissive style will tend to be more dominant and the less secure personality may revert to a less secure attachment pattern, at least in the moment. The person with insecure-anxious attachment style will have a tendency to reach out, seeking approval and validation, which will not be welcomed by the person with avoidant-dismissive attachment style.

This will create a cycle when one will be stuck in constant self-doubt and resentment, tolerating toxic behaviors, and going from suffering in silence to protesting behaviors, such as emotional outbursts, shutting down or leaving. The other, in turn, will stay truly not aware of “what is wrong”, losing respect for the team member or direct report who is “too soft” and “cannot stand up for himself/herself”, providing less and less support and giving harsh feedback.

After all, “There is a substantial amount of research indicating that attachment patterns are set in early childhood and persist throughout our lives… A secure style comes from consistency, reliability, and safety in one’s childhood. As an adult, those with a secure attachment style can reflect back on their childhood and see both the good and the bad that occurred, but in the proper perspective. Overall, they generally feel that someone reliable was always available to them in their formative years. In adulthood, they [remain secure in their] relationships and do not fear [others with a secure attachment pattern].” (VeryWellMind.com)

Developing Consistent Attachment Patterns

With all of this in mind, it must be said that, although experiences in early life with caregivers play a significant role in the forming of one’s attachment style, nothing is written in stone. For example, anxious types can work on developing themselves, creating healthy boundaries and fostering a healthy self-image.

In other words, you can enhance the surety of your attachment style and become much more successful in all of your relationships, within and without the workplace. This is known as “earned security” and is defined as individuals who acknowledge having experienced dysfunctional parenting in childhood, but as adults are able to describe these memories in an accurate, coherent, and contained manner. (WellSanFrancisco.com)

Furthermore, there are other factors that influence your patterns of attachment, including: adult relationship patterns, genetics, etc. (Ref: Adult Attachment: A Concise Introduction to Theory and Research, Gillath, Omri)

As an adult, inconsistent behavior from a superior at work can lead to feelings of insecurity, despite having a normally secure pattern of attachment. This can lead to confusion in your own responses to the ways that others behave toward you.

This means that the way your attachment behaviors show up at work can vary based on situation or circumstance (just as it can in your personal life).

In one job, or with one particular person or project, you may have an anxious attachment style, and in another circumstance, you may display a more secure attachment pattern. Wherever you find yourself, improving how you manage your time, actions, and interpersonal behavior begins with identifying what kind of attachment style you have in the moment, then taking steps to address it.

In my work with emotional intelligence leadership coaching, it is not unusual to find that I am working with individuals who need help developing a more consistent attachment style in their professional relationships; helping them find ways to respond to superiors and employees with confidence and consistency.

I can help you work to improve emotional intelligence, identify your attachment style, and improve both the personal and professional relationships in your life. Click here to schedule your FREE Discovery Call.