Two of the most critical questions to ask, and answer, when you are working to improve emotional intelligence are:
- How do you, as an adult, form relationships, whether personal or professional?
- Why do you choose to form your relationships in the way that you do?
These questions are obviously important yet, they presuppose that there is a cause behind your
relationship-building efforts; something which is likely to be subconscious, despite your best efforts to be mindful of the ways in which you interact with others. This subconscious influence has become known as “attachment style” and, while it may not be part of mainstream thinking or relationship coaching yet, in the world of contemporary psychology, it is widely understood to be the foundation of how human relationships are built.
Perhaps since the dawn of existence, human beings in general, and researchers in particular, have explored the organization and the stability of mental working models that underlie human relationships. Beginning with British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1930s, researchers have gone on to explore and identify attachment patterns, and the ways in which attachment impacts relationship outcomes and how attachment functions in relationship dynamics.
While Bowlby’s research was focused on child development, beginning in the 1980s, research into attachment theory was extended to adult relationships.
How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships
For the sake of this blog post, and the series to follow, we will begin with a look at how attachment styles affect adult relationships, as well as their influence on emotional intelligence in the workplace.
Stated as simply as possible: Attachment theory is a psychological model which describes the dynamics of interpersonal relationships between humans.
Or, your relationship patterns are the result of your attachment patterns.
In other words, your patterns of attachment to others are deeply held and powerfully influential on the types of relationships you develop though your life. These patterns begin early in life and you tend to reinforce them over time in an unending style of attachment that will not change without training (or therapy perhaps, if you repeatedly find yourself in harmful relationships).
Four main styles of attachment have been identified in adults:
- Secure attachment
- Anxious-preoccupied attachment
- Dismissive-avoidant attachment
- Fearful-avoidant attachment
Of course, all of this begs the question of when attachment patterns begin to develop, with the obvious answer being in very young childhood and extending throughout your life.
Define 4 Attachment Style Types
For the sake of brevity, and due to the limits of space, we will take a brief look at the four attachment styles here, then examine each of them and how they influence relationship choices more fully in later posts.
- Secure Attachment Style – Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships. If you possess a secure attachment style, you will be far more independent and feel free to take risks, confident in the knowledge that you are safe. You will also seek honest, open, and equal relationships, offering support to those who feel distressed and seeking support when you feel troubled.
- Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style – If you tend to feel “clingy” in a relationship, seeking a sense of safety and security from another, you are likely working from anxious attachment. The danger here is that, while you seek approval from such a relationship, you fear its loss and often act to sabotage the relationship; thereby “validating” your own fears.
- Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style – If you tend toward being emotionally distant around others, you are likely working from a dismissive avoidant attachment style. To others, you may seem self-involved, more worried about your own comfort while, more often than not, being inwardly focused. Though you may deny it, you are likely psychologically defensive and emotionally detached; able to turn off your feelings in virtually any situation.
- Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style – When working from a fearful avoidant attachment style, you live in an ambivalent state of being, afraid of being both too close to, or too distant from, others. You try to always keep your feelings in check yet find yourself unable to do so. You tend to be moody and unpredictable. Your relationships are equally unpredictable, not to mention unstable. In fact, because of your attachment pattern, you are the most likely to find yourself in an abusive relationship.
It should be obvious by now that your attachment style will have a profound effect on your personal relationships but, they will have an equally strong influence on workplace relationships. Because of the short- and long-term ramifications of working to improve emotional intelligence in the workplace, and in your personal life, you should work to understand your own attachment style and how it affects your relationships.
I can help you work to improve emotional intelligence, identify your attachment style, and improve both the personal and professional relationships in your life. Click here to schedule your FREE Discovery Call.
