Receiving Feedback is a Valuable Skill for Compassionate Leaders

It’s unfortunate that the word “feedback” has a bad rap in our culture. The reason is fairly obvious, that many fear feedback because, for them, it has become synonymous with condemnation and disapproval. A sort of “What is wrong with you?” declaration that makes many of us defensive from the get go. This makes both giving and receiving feedback a skill that must be developed for it to be constructive – to both the giver and receiver.

These days, when confrontation seems to be the norm, that is easier said than done!

Yes, there’s an art and science to both giving and receiving feedback. Soon (next week), we’ll talk about giving feedback. Today, let’s look at how to embrace your performance reviews and not dread them. It’s time to get the most out of the information that people give you relative to your performance.

Does it take you several days to come back after you’ve received feedback that triggered your self-doubt? Do you keep replaying these conversations, ruminating, feeling deeply hurt? I’m going to offer you three valuable strategies that’ll transform your relationship with feedback – fast.

Strategy 1: Understand what feedback is and what it is not.

For some, feedback can be a trigger; though constructive feedback isn’t meant to offend or hurt. Yet, if you’ve been given feedback in an unskillful way that resulted in a traumatic experience, it’s fairly natural that any kind of criticism could make you feel defensive. Still, you can’t allow someone’s lack of tact, communication, or leadership skills to affect you so deeply. When you have a clear understanding of what constructive feedback is and how it should be given, you have the power to take what you need and disregard everything else.

Constructive feedback is based on facts. It’s not a judgement of who you are but of what you do. It’s offered as information about behavior; which of your actions are working and which are not. When done properly and offered in good faith, constructive feedback presents you with a detailed explanation of behavior that needs to be changed, and how to change that behavior. Constructive feedback is not general. It’s not a passive aggressive duel, microaggression, or blaming. It’s concrete and actionable, with a goal of making positive change.

Strategy 2: Train emotional agility to be able to listen mindfully.

To be able to integrate constructive feedback, you need to stay grounded, be present, and listen with an intention to understand. This isn’t achievable if you’re in the flight, fight, or freeze zone. Emotional agility is the process of being with your emotions without getting carried away by them, trying to change them, or avoiding them.

The process of receiving feedback can be agonizing if you’ve been hurt by it in the past, causing your mind to go through the loops of anxiety, anticipating the worst. It can trigger the most wearing emotional responses, such as:

• Fear and anxiety – as your mind starts to catastrophize, “I might lose my job.”
• Anger – a very natural response to the perceived threat. “This feedback is stupid. This person doesn’t know anything.”
• Shame – the feeling of inadequacy, “I’m not a capable leader; I knew I was promoted too early.”

Being aware of your emotions, holding space for them, accepting them with curiosity and kindness, and choosing inspired actions based on your values and goals are all signs of emotional agility. Being mindful of your emotions helps to develop emotional agility. First comes emotional awareness, followed by an enhanced ability to receive feedback in the spirit intended.

Strategy 3: Be proactive when receiving feedback.

Active listening is critical to getting the most out of the feedback you receive. Don’t be a passive listener and avoid becoming defensive. Stay mindful of your emotions and ask clarifying questions. In other words, be a full participant in the feedback process by staying mindful and being proactive.

If the feedback is focused on something other than your behavior, ask questions to clarify specific actions: What have you done or not done? If you’re receiving feedback regarding tension that has developed between you and a team member, or your communication style generally is being questioned, ask for specific examples and situations. You can also ask what you could have been done differently.

It also helps greatly to make sure that you’re ready to have a feedback conversation in the first place. The fact that someone wants to give you feedback doesn’t mean that it should happen in the moment. You can ask to schedule this conversation during a time and place that’s appropriate, when you both have the space to process it effectively.

Ask for Feedback

Finally, ask for feedback. Don’t passively wait for it to “happen” to you. When you need it, reach out to competent people and request it. Don’t forget that your goal is to be mindful and proactive so don’t hesitate to ask for feedback when needed.

It’s important to remember that, since feedback is given from one person to another, there’ll inevitably be some bias. If you receive feedback from several people, you’ll start to see some patterns, and you’ll be able to get the most out of it. Additionally, feedback will no longer be painful but instead become a regular and helpful event in your professional and personal journey if you receive it from people who have your best interest at heart.

If you are interested in learning more strategies for training emotional agility and handling difficult conversations, including receiving feedback in a healthy, helpful way – sign up for my free 1-hour training: How to Succeed as an Overgiver without Becoming Resentful or Losing the Passion for Your Work .

For more details and insight on this, watch my latest video. You can also subscribe to my channel to receive notification when new episodes are released. Then, if you have more questions, feel free to contact me for answers.